I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
