We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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