I will die if light touches me.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
