I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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