you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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