we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
