Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
