So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
