I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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