Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
