he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
