I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
