WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
