When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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