I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
