dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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