I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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