awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
