hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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