I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Houston, we have a blender
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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