I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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