Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
