Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
