Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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