Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
