I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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