I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
