Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I love you. Go after that dick
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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