Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
