And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
