you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
