It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
