A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
