There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
