We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
