Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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