I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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