smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
