The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
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