I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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