I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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