if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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