Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
