Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
