Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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