Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
