just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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