he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
