watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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