I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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