Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
