obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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