Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
My vagina just recognized that song.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
