found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
