The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
