im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
