Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My vagina is very pro this idea
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
