I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
