bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
