yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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